Tired tired SO SO SO tired....

it seems these days that's all i ever have the capacity to feel any more.



Things are getting pretty low for me.

i haven't been able to do any of my lovely anime art and that has made me really sad..

But on top of that i'm so lonely. The people in my life who are supposed to be there to support me are dissapearing, turning away to their own whims and i'm being left here all alone. This whole college thing makes me so sad. I so SO desperately want to go to college, but i have no means to support myself. Nor to pay for it. AND it's so annoying when people try to tell me there are scholarships out there for those types of things, like i don't know that already but I'll never get that, and then they say things like loans and i would NEVER do that i've learned enough from my parents own mistakes, that it is NEVER a good thing to borrow money from ANY ONE when you don't have the means to pay them back, NOR will you be able to in the near future.

It's so deppressing b/c no one (around me that is i'm not saying i'm the ONLY ONE in the world as bad off) understands, especially in the school environment were many of the kids have every thing handed to them and never want for any thing or have to worry b/c they know their parents will provide it for them if need be.

I DON"T have that and no one around me relates. At. All.

And i'm suffocating b/c i don't want to be left alone here by myself and i already see my former so called friends pulling away to go make their dreams while i stay confined to a family who would be devastated without me. And it hurts so much to know i'll probably never get to acheive my dreams and asperations because of my dire situation.


I just wish i had someone there by my side to cushion this exausting trial, but i unfortunatley was not blessed with a loved one who would give to me what i give to so many every single day here on earth.

And it's hard to think that no one else hardly my age is able to do it. i mean it's not that hard to be honest. i guess i was just born that way, willing to give so much to receive nothing when i need it.

BUt it's ok i'm sure, as they say this too will pass and i'll get out of this slump, but i'm pretty much the only one who hasn't applied to a college and it doesn't look like that will ever occur either and my friends will become strangers in the comming year and i'll still be here the same as always forgoten and alone.





Sorry for this deppressing rant thing ik i'm not as bad off as i could be but it's still hard to want to go on here on earth when you reach out desperately to the people who are supposed to love you that you constantly work to hold up only to get the slap in the face that they don't love you to the same extent as you do, and instead of helping you, leave you clinging to the edge of the cliff until you finally run out of energy and fall to your perpetual death.

it's ok i get it you guys, you don't need to HINT to me any more so go ahead and leave me i don't need people who are only going to cause me more pain and abuse any how, you can go ahead to other people who will give you that attention you so desperatley crave and never find those deep friendships or sincerity it's ok because i'll still be the same real me and you'll still be the same attention craving you's and we'll never have to speak again....


'